This is a transcript of nkrs200's video Microsoft Sam Short: Tech Support, released on March 25, 2013.
Transcript
- (intro plays, then title card appears)
- Mike: Sam, we have officially got the paperwork sorted out for a new business program.
- Sam: I'm listening.
- Mike: The boss has started a tech support unit.
- Sam: Well, why can't he run it himself? I am too busy reviewing a future Funny Windows Errors script. Also, spoiler alert viewers, it's (bleep). What the heck, Mary? What was the purpose of that censoring?
- Mary: Sorry, Sam, but my fingers slipped when handling the video controls.
- Sam: Um, yeah. So, Mike, what is the boss doing right now?
- Mike: Too busy writing more Funny Windows Errors scripts ahead of schedule.
- Sam: Typical. Well then, let's get this started already. Soi
- (10 seconds later...)
- (the phone rings, Sam answers it)
- Sam: Why you know shit tech support, how can I make your day more miserable?
- Caller 1: Hello. My computer is currently running Windows Vista, but I cannot seem to reinstall Windows XP that came preinstalled with my computer. Any suggestions?
- Sam: Yes. Try throwing your computer out the window. If that does not work, try using a sledgehammer to knock some sense into its central processor.
- Caller 1: Oh thank you. Now I don't have to worry about it bluescree-- (error sound) Can I put you on hold?
- Sam: Certainly.
- (Caller 1 is raging)
- (OK, that's enough.)
- (static)
- Voice that sounds like Caller 1: Previously on--
- (explosion)
- (an awesome face appears. LOL, whoops)
- Sam: Lol ha lol ha lol lol lol ha ha ha soi soi soi soi soi soi soi.
- (cut back to Sam)
- Sam: Well, I guess that, since the last caller has not responded back in the last 15 seconds, I'm going to--
- nkrs200: Sam, I know you can do better than that!
- Sam: I know, but can you see...
- nkrs200: No excuses! If you can't get your act together, I will throw you off of the world's largest fiscal cliff! Do you understand me?!
- Sam: Yes, sir.
- nkrs200: Good!
- (two seconds later...)
- (the phone rings, Sam answers it)
- Sam: Sam's shitty tech support, how may I not care about your problems today?
- Caller 2: Yes. I would like an extra large pizza with extra pepperoni, some bacon, and extra cheese. (cut to Sam) Hello? Are you there?
- (Sam starts spazzing out of control)
- (whoops, that was long enough.)
- (static)
- (a test card appears, saying "THIS IS NOT A TEST CARD.")
- (static, then a screen saying "FEATURED PRESENTATION" appears)
- nkrs200: And now, for your featured presentation...
- (static, then cut back to Sam. Mike comes in)
- Mike: Sam, what was that last call about?
- Sam: Some guy ordered some pizza. No idea why he would call us all.
- Scotty: Hey, did that guy mention anything about baloney--
- (Sam shoots Scotty in a censored warfare scene)
- Sam: Shut the hell up, Scotty. (back to the studio) Now, Mike, how many more customers do I still have to help?
- Mike: Three more.
- (record scratch)
- Sam: Fine.
- (two seconds later...)
- (phone rings, Sam answers it)
- Sam: Thank you for calling My Ass Tech Support. How may we not give a shit about your problems today?
- Caller 3: (???) on seeing these 404 error messages. How do I fix them?
- Sam: Well, the most recommended solution is to shove a chainsaw up your ass.
- Caller 3: Oh thank you. Now I can (bleep)!
- (cut back to Sam)
- Sam: God damn it, Mary. Stop pressing the censor button.
- (phone rings, Sam answers it)
- Caller 4: Hello, I would like to file a complaint.
- Sam: Um... OK? Please explain.
- Caller 4: I have not have received my baloney sandwiches! Give me them now!
- (the caller turns out to be Scotty)
- Sam: Lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol ha lol ha lol lol lol ha ha ha no. Scotty. Get off of the damn phone or I will cut your balls off with a chainsaw.
- Scotty: (very high pitched) Oh great! I will get off of the phone! Just don't hurt me!
- Sam: Scram.
- (phone rings, Sam answers it)
- Sam: This is Can I Get A Break Tech Support. How would you like to interrupt me today?
- Caller 5: How can I fix my computer if the hard drive is not working?
- Sam: Use a chainsaw. Chainsaws can solve any problem.
- Caller 5: Thanks. Now I can finally brag to my family about something.
- Sam: Brag about what? Are you going to brag to them, that you can finally do nothing? That's dddddddddddddddddumb.
- Caller 5: Hey, that is not even funny!
- (afterwards...)
- nkrs200: Alright, Sam. Here is a list of your earnings that you have received for this week.
- (total earnings for Sam: gross pay, $100000)
- ($587 gets deducted as federal income tax)
- ($6200 gets deducted as social security tax)
- ($145 gets deducted as Medicare tax)
- (pre net pay, $93068)
- Sam: So, is that my take-home pay?
- nkrs200: Nope!
- (many more deductions later...)
- (total net pay: $0.10!)
- Sam: Is...that...all...you...are...willing...to...bombard...me...with?
- nkrs200: No, you have to read these customer reviews!
- Viewer 1: Where is Microsoft Sam reads Funny Windows Errors Season 6 Episode 4? I want to see it NOW!
- Bacon: Needs to have more bacon. Everything is better with bacon!
- Viewer 2: WHERE IS MY GOD DAMN ERROR REQUEST?!?!
- Scotty: WHERE ARE MY BALONEY SANDWICHES?!?!
- Viewer 3: IF I DO NOT SEE MY ERROR REQUEST, I WILL KILL NKRS200!!!
- Caller 5: You said a chainsaw solves any problems. You lied!
- Caller 3: I did not get any help to solve my problem!
- Caller 2: Where is my pizza?!
- (cut back to Sam)
- Sam: God damn son of--
- (explosion)
- (static)
- (censored by Baloney Sandwiches Incorporated)
- (wait, what? Damn Scotty...)
- Sam: That's it. I had enough of this. Deploy end credits.
- Whisper: Sam, I hate to bother you, but somehow the end credits were destroyed in that last explosion scene.
- Sam: Um, um, um, um, um, um, um--
- (BOOM!)
- (outro plays)